Breathe and Enjoy the Ride

For those of you who are ready to pull the plug for having gone through the worst imaginable relationships in life, hold on to that thought and give me a moment to shed some light on some things I have learned to understand. What I'm about to tell you is neither a secret nor an invention, but simply a fruit of my relentless pursuit to understand life, love and relationships more deeply. The question that many people ask is this: What is the purpose behind meeting someone who will eventually leave us in the end? For those who are interested in knowing the answer, please read on.

Throughout my past relationships I had been betrayed, neglected, deceived, abandoned, mistreated, and cheated on, among other things. I used to say I wish I never met those people who wronged me. But to have that kind of mentality is to strip life of its capacity to utilize people as vehicles to deliver subtle but important messages to us, and to teach us firsthand the most valuable lessons to be learned-about life itself.

To begin, let me paint a picture of an ordinary life cycle that most people have gone through. It starts off during the very first time you get involved in a relationship. You begin with a clean slate: naive, trustful, and very innocent. The very first time you unleashed your love you expected its recipient to reciprocate those tender feelings with equal intensity. And in the beginning of that first relationship, it felt like heaven: you experienced what the hype was about, you shared a lot of special moments with that person, and it was a great feeling that became addictive.

But then one day this magical ride came to an abrupt end for a reason you couldn't yet fathom. You were suddenly thrown on the gutter and became a casualty of this thing called "Love." The damage was near fatal and you were shocked that something so awful could come out of something so beautiful. But somehow in the midst of wanting to experience the same euphoric feeling of love, you resurfaced with a renewed spirit to get into another relationship.

So then you jumped back on the ride. Once again, the relationship started off perfectly and, for a brief moment, it felt like the world was making an exclusive place just for you and your loved one. But somewhere along the ride you were again exposed to the ugly side of reality and got kicked off the curb unexpectedly. This time the pain was magnified since you thought you took an extra precaution to prevent this relationship from ending like the last one. And while you nurtured yourself back to your normal state, you suddenly became suspicious and began to ask how many more times you would have to go through this torturous pain before you find the right one.

As time went by, you got to experience more of the same heartaches-only in different shapes and forms- to the point that you became weary and numb to its effects. By this time you were convinced that love is overrated and put up a virtual fence around you so high that even the CIA would have had trouble infiltrating. You were suspicious of everyone you met and developed a conspiracy theory that everyone was out to get you. So you stayed within the comfort of your own boundaries and refused to come out of it. Few times you met decent and qualified candidates that fitted your requirements, but since that "conspiracy bulb" kept flashing in your head you told these guys instead that you're a lesbian and did not want anything to do with them.

Now you go through different life cycles-all depression-related. One involved staying at home a lot, watching romantic movies that didn't really help your situation since all they showed were happy couples in the end living happily ever after. And since your main goal was to distract yourself from your ugly reality, watching these movies accomplished little towards achieving that goal.

So you changed things up a bit and decided to hang out with close friends. By this time you were going to places you used to go to in your younger years hoping that it would distract you and pump some life back into you. But instead of cheering you up, every place you go seemed to remind you of a past happy relationship you once had, and as a result this activity pushed you deeper into the depression hole. You've gradually fallen deeper and deeper into the abyss..........

Now it's time for the big question: What did we learn from all these experiences? If you can't come up with an insightful answer, allow me to take over. First, please bear in mind that every human encounter presents an opportunity to learn something about life. While some lessons are easily understood, some would have to be extracted from rough personal experiences. Remember that every heartache, every failed relationship, and every person we met had left us with some of the most valuable lessons in life. Ignoring these vital lessons stunts our growth. The moment we begin to accept that the occasional pain we experience is an essential condition of life, we will begin to see that somewhere in there also lay opportunities: to grow, to appreciate what we have, and to take advantage of the fleeting moment we have with those people. And believe me, once you find a reason why a certain individual crossed path with you, your pain will cease to exist. Mark my words.

Let me give you an example. Let's say you lose someone dear to you because the person decided to be with someone else. Thank that person. No matter how you choose to look at that situation, it does not alter the true meaning why you two had to meet in the first place. Yes, the person may have deceived or betrayed you, but that person also taught you that there are people out there that do not succumb to love and, most importantly, that the same person just revealed to you that you are worth more than what you thought. And that is great news because now you know that you are worthy of someone better than that person and you can then make smarter choices. This is the positive side of looking at things.

And lastly, never ever sell yourself short by avoiding contact with potential partners because doing this is equivalent to doing you a disservice. You're robbing yourself of life's qualities. As Gandhi once said, "Every night when I go to sleep I die, when I wake up I am reborn." This could not have been any truer today for the simple fact that what bad feelings we felt might have killed a part of us in the past, has in fact made us a better and stronger person today. We are now better equipped to deal with the daily assaults of reality and we are by far more experienced today than ever in dealing with other people. Shutting yourself out is never the right attitude towards dealing with life's unpleasant circumstances. Always remember that life is the best mentor one can have and we should be thankful for everything that happens to us-good, bad and the extremely ugly.

So now I have a suggestion and hopefully it works for you like it did for me. Mentally go through all the relationships you've had with your ex-lovers-you can do this with friends, families, relatives, and even enemies-and try to figure out what lesson such encounters have taught you. Some may not be readily apparent, but a little reflection might reveal to you some important lessons that you might have missed because pain at the time was just so overwhelming. You might discover that a break-up with an overly-possessive lover in the past had propelled you to find a new set of friends that encouraged you to focus on your career that eventually landed you a prominent position in your company. Or you might have been so torn up from a failed long-term relationship that you decided to go back to school and finish your degree. Believe me, "Seek and ye shall find."

Now it's time for me to leave you while you revisit your beautiful past, but before I do, I want you to remember that to grasp the real meaning of why things happen the way they do is the key to understanding the bumpy ride called Life. Accept the things that come your way for what they truly are and not for what you think they should be. Embrace the things that life presents you, and in the process learn their purpose for being there. So go on out, breathe the fresh air and enjoy the ride.

Ross Mosqueda is the creator of Casanova Online Dating, a dating review site that evaluates the top performing online dating sites, as well as provide tips on online dating, relationship and love. He studied Psychology and read numerous books on love, relationships and dating. He is well-versed in all matters of love, whose advice is often sought by those craving to succeed in their relationships.